Tips for appearing on American Idol

Maybe I am overly cynical, but this year the Idol competition seems too neat and planned. The contestants look a little too "United Colors of Beneton" for me and sometimes their intro videos and post-song comments seem a bit rehearsed. So here for you are tips I've noticed the Idols have been using to their greatest advantage.

Tip #1: Make sure you look like a video game avatar. Jason Castro and Amanda Overmeyer are guiltiest on this count, but they keep making it through, so it must be working. Every time I see them all lined up, it looks the character selection screen on Karaoke Revolution.

Mike: "You got to be the skinny guy with dreds last time...it's my turn!"
Me: "Ok, but I get to be the biker chic with skunk hair"

Tip #2: Close your eyes when you sing a non-important song to make yourself seem deep and relevant. David Cook and Brooke White are this tip's culprits. David sang "Hello...it is me you're looking for" almost entirely with his eyes closed. Yes, Lionel Richie pop tunes can be very poignant. Brooke did this for "Love is a Battlefield". Who doesn't close their eyes to ponder the wisdom of "...we are young. Heartache to heartache we stand" Spoken with the depth of a 7th grade poetry assignment.

Tip #3: Mention something indisputably sad to garner sympathy and support from viewers. Now this may seem like a bad tip especially for Asia'h Eperson who mentioned several times that her father passed away days before her Idol audition and what a strong soul she was for pursuing her dream in the midst of tragedy. True, but she still got voted off before the final 12. With that exception, David Archuleta has used this tip when he received criticism for singing Phil Collins' "Another Day in Paradise" by mentioning this song brings attention to those who don't have anything. Can't really fight with that...and he made it through to the next round. Michael Johns used this tip tonight when he received pans for this performance of "A Day in the Life" (one of the worst song choices of the season...a close second behind Kristy Lee Cook's "Eight Days a Week"). He brought up the fact that he chose the song for his best friend who died last year. It will be interesting to see if that saves him. Carly Smithson also tried this technique tonight when she explained to Simon her song choice of "Blackbird" saying that she felt like she had broken wings and now she is free and flying. This was a painfully awkward moment to watch. Trying to explain feelings to Simon is like trying to explain to Paula why she doesn't need to tell the contestants she feels their color...it just won't work. In any case, we'll see if America wants to see her "fly" for another week.

Tip #4: Wear as many trends in one outfit as you can. Ramiele Malubay is guilty of this each and every week usually wearing a corset, leggings, ankle booties and her hair styled in a ridiculous swoop. She looks like young Paula Abdul. Maybe that's why she keeps getting voted through...It is certainly not because of vocal chops or fantastic song selection.

Tip #5: Cry for every loss on the results show. This tip has worked for everyone except Danny Noriega (thankfully). Each results show you can count on Ramiele and Brooke turning on the water works. The directors of the show must employ a separate camera man to capture these "endearing" moments on film.

I am sure I will notice more Idol trends as the season goes on, but that is what I have observed so far. Stay tuned tomorrow to see who gets voted off!!